I’m sure half of you sassy wine lovers have already responded to the title with, “My favorite wine is the one I’m drinking.” First off, well played, and second, everyone has a favorite wine varietal even if they don’t want to admit it. I know these type of personality assessments have been floating around the Internet recently, but you know what they say, mine is better.
Rosé
You’re determined, sassy and unafraid of a challenge. You wake up at 7 a.m. on Saturday for SoulCycle, then eat back all the calories with seven waffles straight to the face at brunch. When you were in second grade, your peewee football coach had to tell you to stop stunning the other team with shockingly accurate insults. Despite your natural people skills, your brain can back up the small talk and you can discuss anything under the sun with ease. Speaking of sun, is it summer yet? All this rain and snow is not your jam, to say the least. If you had it your way, it would be sunny and 72 so you could wear that new button-down or those classic wedges and hit the wineries in style.
Merlot
In your office, you’re the one who swoops in to save a meeting gone wrong. You know how to change a tire, and you also know the story of why it’s called a tire. None of your exes would speak badly of you for this article, and your mom is in your Facebook profile picture, but in a cute way. You’ve run a half marathon, but think full marathons are just a little too wild. One time you bought a giraffe Pillow Pet as an impulse buy at CVS, and still sleep with it him. Like merlot, you pretty much get along with anyone, in any scenario. You aren’t just smart, you’re likeable, darn it.
Pinot Grigio
Every group needs the classy friend, and in this gang, that’s all you. You walk off the tallest Six Flags coaster with perfectly ruffled hair. One time, someone catcalled you, and you gave them such a withering stare that they teared up. You learned Italian using an iPhone app and met your S.O. at an art gallery. They were the artist. You might seem standoffish, but that’s just because you notice everything and always have a plan. Travel? You know exactly where best plane seats are. Happy hour? You know the table without rickety legs. Life? It’s gonna go your way.
Zinfandel
You’re calm, cool, and ready with a disarmingly dry joke at any given moment. Your first word was “meh” and you don’t believe in “taking a silly picture” after the real one. Despite your hints of curmudgeon, people love you for your surprising party antics. You’re either sipping from the same glass of wine all night, or you’re winning giant Jenga and training the host’s cat to shake hands. On top of that, you somehow find the coolest restaurants before Yelp does, without even knowing that they’re cool. You’ve sampled every steak in the greater Bay Area and have memorized the top 5 restaurants and cuts available.
Champagne
You frantically scrolled through this entire post looking for the champagne one, huh? That’s because you’re insane. Loveable, but insane nonetheless. You have 35 pending Facebook invites, some from people you’ve never even met. When you post on social media, you use way too many hashtags because you’re #fun and #carefree. You smuggle buckets of unconventional snacks into the movie theater and the TSA is always nabbing that extra bottle of hairspray you thought you could sneak by them. Your partner knows that after a long week, you want to be anywhere but home, preferably somewhere with an elevated surface to dance on. But even though you’re a party animal, you care for the ones you’re partying with, and make sure everyone gets home safe (you have about $200 worth of Uber credit as a result.)
No matter which wine you relate to, I’m sure people adore you and can’t live without you, just like their favorite bottle. Unless you identify with boxed wine, in which case only a select portion of society loves you.
Which one are you? Did we miss your spirit wine? Let us know!
